I apologize ahead of time for this post...it's probably a little more emotion than most of you would care to hear. However, this is my way of getting out what I'm feeling inside...and right now, it's what I need most.
If you remember from my last post, I have not been feeling the greatest. Yesterday, Sunday, was a little bit better than Saturday, I was definitely feeling much better. However, I woke up this morning feeling more than "down in the dumps." My stomach still is feeling weird...it's not horrible, but not good either. I've been living on a diet of water, saltines, soup, bananas, and Gatorade for a couple days now, and it's kind of getting old. I have had my fair share of experiences with stomach issues and I know my body very well...I am not about to put some rich foods on that over-sensitive stomach. But it's not just the physical ailment that is getting to me. I am an emotional mess.
Being sick and away from home is hard. Much harder than I had anticipated. I expected to get sick at some point while I was down here. But I figured it wouldn't be that big of a deal, I would get it over with and be done with it. Well, I've been proved wrong and I can see that God is teaching me to put all my trust in Him...completely. This morning, I woke up and was not doing well emotionally. I don't know what happened, but it took everything I could to not fall apart this morning at breakfast. By the time we got back to our little apartment, I was sobbing...uncontrollably. Not feeling well and being away from home has pushed me to being more than homesick. I want nothing more than to be at home right now: in my house, in my room, in my bathroom, in my bedroom. So, because I was so unstable emotionally, I decided that I should stay home from Spanish class and rest...and that is just what I did. However, I learned that being alone and not feeling well is worse. I watched a movie and tried to rest, but my mind continued to go to: "Oh my gosh, I am going to be here for over two more months. How the heck and am I going to do this? Twelve more weeks?! That's impossible." You can only imagine what this will do to someone who is already homesick and struggling emotionally...if you can't figure it out, let me tell you that it makes me even more anxious and overcome with a defeated feeling.
So, needless to say, today has been much more difficult that I had expected when I woke up this morning. Don't get me wrong, Guatemala is a great place. Antigua is a really cool city and I am here with some really great people. However, when I don't feel well, I want to be at home. I have decided that I am turning off Skype for a couple of days. I have discovered that talking with my family and seeing them over Skype is making this homesickness worse. I need to find my strength in the Lord, not in humans (even though I love them very much). I know that God has me here for a reason. I know that every day has been planned long before I even came into being. I am trying to rest in his peace and assurance, but it is much more difficult than I thought. What I ask of all of you (those who actually read this), is that you be praying for me. I ask that you pray for a supernatural healing and strength that I have never experienced before. I know that right now, only God can bring me up out of this emotional pit. Only God can bind Satan from attacking and causing a spirit of sadness and replace it with a spirit of overwhelming joy. People keep saying, "oh, you can do it, Jennifer!" But, I am saying that only through God the Almighty Father can I do this. Sure, I have twelve more weeks, but God has each and every one of those months, weeks, and days planned out for His glory.
One more thing you can be praying for: I have been in contact with an organization down here about volunteering. They are called "Nuestros Ahijados." There are two options for me to volunteer: 1) Working to contribute to their English curriculum in their school; and 2) Feeding malnourished children at their malnutrition center, Casa Jackson.
I know that God has the perfect fit for my talents.
Petitioning prayers and lifting my eyes unto the hills,
-J
No comments:
Post a Comment