As I sit here at the kitchen table of the family I babysit for, I am trying to write a 100 point essay for my class in African American Literature. While this may seem like a simple task for an English minor who has almost finished her coursework (this is a 100 level course, haha), I will tell you otherwise: I cannot focus. It's like I am stuck. I am drowning in a sea of unknowns (as the title of this post makes clear). The thoughts that are clouding my mind are frustrating me, so I have to get them out. The following are the list of unknowns that are mucking up my mind today:
Unknown #1: I have to take a CLEP test in Biology is just over one month. While I am a fairly smart person (no bragging intended), this is rather challenging because I have not taken a Biology course since my sophomore year of high school-that was over five years ago. I haven't started studying for this test yet...and if I don't pass, I don't graduate. How am I going to find the motivation to study, let alone study well enough to pass?
Unknown #2: In sixty-three days, I will embark on the greatest adventure I have ever attempted: I am going to study abroad in a foreign country for three and a half months. As a Spanish major, this is the most incredible opportunity, and I know I will learn more than I can even imagine. However, I don't do well with change. As a matter of fact, change often throws me into a state of great anxiety. In addition, I am the biggest "home-body" on this planet. Leaving home for this amount of time is the greatest step of independence I have ever embarked upon. It's probably more than a step...more like a giant cliff.
Unknown #3: I have no clue where I am going to student teach in the spring following my semester abroad. I want to have the perfect placement, with a teacher that will show me how wonderful it is to be a teacher. What if I end up with a horrible supervising teacher?
Unknown #4: THE BIGGEST UNKNOWN OF ALL. I don't really think I want to teach anymore. As I write this, I somewhat laugh to myself because with one year left until graduation, this seems ridiculous...I know! I have wanted to teach since kindergarten. I was that child who had a desk in her bedroom and my mom bought me a real teacher's grade book to play "pretend" teacher/classroom. I even used to make up the name of my students. You are probably asking, "Why not?! You've come so far!" Trust me, I ask myself the same question. But lately I have felt a new tug on my heartstrings and that tug is pulling me closer to the medical field...don't worry, not a doctor or anything, but in the field of nutrition and dietetics. Obesity and horrible lifestyle habits have started to plague our world and I want to do something about it. The question now becomes: When do I do this? I have been researching some programs and a whole new full-time program with 11 pre-requisite courses becomes difficult for someone who isn't even finished with her first degree. Obviously, I would have to wait a while until I could start this new program, but it's all so unknown. I like to plan and know things ahead of time.
I apologize for this seemingly long and whinny tirade about my whirlwind of a life, but I know that writing these things out will help me filter them out of my brain so I am able to think more clearly about tasks at hand...like writing my paper for my literature course. I know that my life is not in my hands, but in the hands of the Almighty God...but sometimes, it's just really hard to trust Him. I admit that my relationship with Christ has faltered in the past months and I'll be completely honest in saying that right now I am not doing anything about it... maybe that's why everything seems more difficult right now.
As I close with tears in my eyes and frustration in my heart, I am reminded that I am still young. At twenty-one years old, I can do anything that I want. With Christ by my side, I can conquer anything from living in Guatemala for three and a half months to maybe taking an Organic Chemistry class to get my second degree. All these things that seem so big and scary and unknown...they are a grain of sand in God's eyes. So, I will continue to tell myself: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
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